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3 Helpful Tips! How to Control My Anger with My Kids

What do you do when you get angry with your kids? Do you feel kind of bad after? I know many parents do. In fact, I have helped so many parents over the years learn how to control their anger with their kids, a big part of self-government is mastering the power of calm within. 

In this article, we're going to talk about how you can control your anger with your kids and have better relationships. For 24 years, I have spent nearly every day with my children. In fact, even more time in that day than most people. Because I actually chose to homeschool my children. 

There was a friend of mine several years ago who said "Nicholeen, I don't know if I could do what you do. I don't know if I could homeschool my children. Because I don't know if my children would be safe." And I thought, "Oh, that's too bad." Because my power, my energy, my happiness come from my children. I'm refueled when I'm with them because we don't have fights. We don't have power struggles. And I don't have to get mad. 

Well, another friend of mine decided she was going to homeschool her children. After 6 weeks of homeschooling her children, she put him back in school. And that's not necessarily a failure on her part. But she came to me afterward and said, "You know what? I just couldn't do it. I had to put him back in school." And I said, "Well, why?' She said, "This is going to sound really bad but my children are safer there." I know that sounds really funny but she was honest. 

She did not have a handle on her own anger and her own stress and she didn't want to be mean to her children. She never planned on becoming a monster. She wanted to be the best mom ever. And she was hoping that more time with her children would help. But she didn't have herself reined in yet. So what can you do to rein yourself in? I'm sure you don't want to be a monster either. 

No one plans that when they're choosing to become a parent. In fact, their visions of parenting seem like bliss and happiness and skipping through flowers and catching butterflies. And then the reality hits. They cry they need stuff, they tell us no, they have attitude problems. How do we handle all of that without the proper skills? So, that's exactly what we need is skills. 

So, in these books right here, there are 4 basic skills that I teach to children. They are following instructions, accepting no answers, accepting consequences, and disagreeing appropriately. And in these books right here, especially in this one, Parenting: A House United, I have the skills that I need for how to correct these things when they go wrong. 

Do you have the skills that you need? That could be a big factor in why you are still choosing anger when you really don't want to. Here are 3 tips to help you have calm communication with your children and to control your anger. 

Tips Number 1: You Need To Check Yourself

Don't be afraid of self-assessment. Sometimes we're afraid we'll find we failed. It's okay to find you failed. In fact, that's a step in the right direction. The fact that you're finding something that you can work with is a big plus. So, anytime you're communicating with your children, stop yourself and check "How am I communicating? Are my eyes narrowing? Are my hands on my hips? Is my finger pointing and shaking? 

Is my body language not calm? What about my voice tone, is it communicating love and understanding and caring and also firmness at the same time? Or is it communicating emotion, frustration, anger tiredness?" There's a lot of reasons why people choose to be angry. I do want to tell you it is a choice. I know that some days when the baby's kept you up all night or you've had bad health or there's a lot of family stress that's going on, it seems like it's not a choice. But it is. 

Calmness, good communication, and anger are all choices. Your brain is strong enough to make the change. You don't have to accept those excuses as your reality. And I know. Because I am the type of person who's had to reign in her own emotions. I'm changed, I'm different and many other people are too. Because they've learned the power of calm. Calmness cannot happen unless you analyze yourself, check yourself, and then choose to make those adjustments. 

Tips Number 2: Make Sure That You Say The Right Thing

Sometimes that first thought that pops in your head is exactly the wrong thing to say. In fact, the more you dwell on that thought, the more likely you're going to say it even though you're telling yourself, "No, don't say it. Don't say it." It's the wrong thing to say. Remember that. You need to plan the right thing to say. When I started doing foster care for troubled teens years ago, I recognized that my strong will and fiery personality were going to get the better of me. 

I wouldn't meet my goals as a foster parent if I didn't plan out exactly what to say. So, I got recipe cards out of my pantry and I started to write down: This is exactly what I will say when things go wrong. When I correct the children these are the words I will use. When they go out of control, these are the words I will use. These are the words I will use when I praise them and tell them they've done a good job. I planned every word. 

That may seem mechanical and strange but I promise you, you're already a robot. Those words that pop into your head, those emotions that come flaming up out of nowhere --auto response. You've trained yourself. You have a habit. You've got to replace it with a new habit and do new training. You've got to know what to say. You've got to plan for that. That's why I have other books and courses. I tell my scripts the things that I know to say at the moment. 

Tips Number 3: Redos Are Magical

Guess what? You're not going to be perfect every time. You're going to check yourself. You're going to be diligent about that. And you are going to learn new words to say. And then guess what? Sometimes you're going to do the old habit. The one you did not want to do. 

You're not perfect. That's okay. Just redo it the right way. If you want to correct yourself, catch yourself doing it wrong, stop yourself and tell your children, "Mom, wasn't doing it the right way. Dad told you he'd do it this way. Sorry, he's not doing it the right way right now." Then say, "Now, we are going to do that interaction again. This time with calmness and using the words that I told you I would use." And you can say you're sorry too. 

You know what? We don't have to make mistakes like that personally. In families, we learn how to communicate. We learn how to be forgiving. We learn that everybody's a work in progress. You are too. You can conquer this. Your anger does not have to destroy your happiness or your relationships. You can choose to do something differently. It is a power that you have within yourself. 

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