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How To Get Your Kids To Stop Fighting

Your kids don't fight, do they? Well, if they do this article is all about how to get your kids to stop fighting. I'm Nicholeen and I am an expert at teaching children how to get along with parents and parents to get along with children and how to help children get along with each other. I teach self-government. 

We're going to learn more about how to use self-government principles to stop children from fighting in this article. One key piece of information that children need to know in order to stop fighting is they need to know what calmness is and what calmness isn't

So, they've got to be able to analyze themselves otherwise they can't stop themselves from misbehavior. When a person is not being calm, they immediately disconnect from someone else. And this is when the selfishness sets in and the fight starts. 

So, how do you teach your child what calmness is and what calmness isn't? The best way is to just show, to experiment, almost to play-acting games with the children. So, when my children are little, I teach them four basic skills. 

These children's books which are probably best for children ages 12 and under teach 4 basic skills. They teach following instructions, accepting no answers, accepting consequences and disagreeing appropriately. 

The first step to each one of these 4 basic skills is to look at the person. To make a connection. The second step to each one of these 4 basic skills is to keep a calm face, voice and body. We teach them how to have a calm face, voice and body. 

The way that we do this is by acting it out. So, I might say to four year old Johnny, "Hey, Johnny. What does it look like when you're angry?" And then Johnny might scrunch up his face and shake his fist, and I might say, "Yeah. What does it look like when mommy's angry?" So, then he might make it look like... "Hmm!" Really puckering up the face pointing the finger. 

Whatever he's seen mommy do. Be willing to accept it. This is an acting game it tells a lot about what they perceive and what they don't perceive. Its assessment, a person cannot learn self-government without an honest environment.

Self-government is not manipulative. It requires honesty, honest assessment. So, you have this dialogue then you say, "Well, this is what it looks like when mommy's calm. Do you like that? How that looks, how that feels." Then we might say "What does a calm face look like for you? What does a calm voice sound like? What does it sound like when a voice is not calm or when a body is not calm?" The body one is the kicker. 

So, when your body's not calm everyone can feel it. I usually say it's when your heart is not calm. You can just feel when somebody's heart is on edge or not in the right place. This feeling disconnects you from them it makes you feel like you're not sure if you can trust them or trust what might come next. This calm body is what people try to manipulate the most. 

They try to say, "Yeah, I'm calm. Sure my voice is calm. My face is calm." But can you feel that I am holding angst for no good reason right now because I'm on article. But I'm holding eggs inside, I'm trying to dominate even if I had a calm voice. I'm the loudest person in the room. We've got to help our children learn that is not a calm body. And that we will call them out on it. Not in a way that's not calm of course. 

But we will say, "It looks like right now you don't have a calm body. And we will correct them." Our children need to know that if they're not keeping a calm face, voice and body, when they're working with each other or with you, they will be corrected. There are skills that we can learn for how to do appropriate corrections in any situation. 

A basic formula for correction to follow is to describe what happened to explain why that wasn't a good idea to describe what should have happened. And then to tell the child what they earned and to practice things the right way. 

Be sure to praise during a correction. I know that sounds like how is that even possible. But when you're correcting your children, it should be positive. And everything that they do right like saying okay to their consequence, doing the practices with you, keeping calm while you're doing the correction. 

All those things should be praised. So, that they can learn cause-and-effect and duplicate those behaviors later. Another way that you can help your children not argue with each other or help your child not want to argue with you is by consistently correcting the problems every time they happen. One mistake parents make most often is not being consistent.

Maybe one day they feel tired or they've got a lot of things to do. That can happen to anybody. But the problem is when you're training a person, when you're training a heart, consistency is key. If they ever get away with misbehavior then they're going to try that misbehavior again and again. 

So, you've got to tell yourself "No matter when it happens, I will be there to correct it. I will not leave them alone in their anger. I will be their advocate. I will help them." You are the advocate for your children. 

Your relationships are so important to their happiness and to yours. You've got to take the steps that you need to help them control the beast within. Just like you've learned or are learning to control your own anger. But you might want to learn a little bit about power struggles to really be able to do the job well. Don't forget! consistency is all of that key.

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