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How To Have A Loving And Caring Family

This article is all about how to have a loving and caring family. Who does not want a loving and caring family? In fact, that's what we're all going for from the moment those children are born. When we hold them in our arms, we start getting these visions of perfection and how everything is going to be butterflies and roses, and then what happens over time is we start getting short-tempered and frustrated with little behavior that comes. And that dream that we have seems like maybe it's not realistic.


Well, having a loving and caring family is not "realistic", it's idealistic. And there's nothing wrong with an idealistic goal. In fact, I don't think a goal could even be a goal unless it was idealistic. Just because it's a goal though, doesn't mean we need to get frustrated like it's never going to happen. Because it absolutely can happen. And in this article, I'm going to talk to you about how to create that type of environment where the family wants to be loving and caring to each other. It is so easy to be selfish especially in our family relationships. 

We are the closest to all of those people in our family and so we kind of take them for granted. So, how are we going to exist together and have these loving and caring relationships when we have a tendency to take each other for granted? Well, in this article, we're going to talk about how to maximize our choice in our family relationships and how to choose that connection and love when we normally wouldn't. And we're going to talk about the 3 things that a family can set up in their family structure to create an environment where the family is always focused on being loving and showing caring to each other in the family. Being loving and caring is a choice. 

So, the idea is to make an environment and to open conversation to a point where everyone chooses to be loving and caring. One time I was talking with a woman and she said if only the people of the world could be kind if we all could be kind then think of all of the problems that we would solve, people would stop taking advantage of each other in business. People would stop fighting and bickering and looking for the worst in each other.

Instead, we would see the true value that each of us has. Kindness, the word kindness is very interesting because it comes from the root word kin. Kin means like family. Is if you're going to have a loving and caring family, you have to treat each other as kin. And not the type of kin that brawls out in the yard and fights. But the type of kin that enjoys each other's company. That values each other has to say. And that knows that each person is part of this family for a reason. In fact, she's right. 

We could all treat each other with more kindness, all treat each other all the people of the world as if we were kin, think of the hurdles we wouldn't have to jump anymore. And I am talking about social and emotional hurdles. Think of the unity and support that we would feel in our lives instead of loneliness, frustration, stress, and abandonment. Having unity with the people close in your life actually create a feeling of peace. And I know when people say they want a loving and caring family, what they're really saying is I want my family to feel peaceful. To feel like a healing place. A place where everyone wants to come. 

Well, that's always what I wanted for my family too. And even when for years, we took in troubled youth ages 12-18 in our home to do treatment foster care, that was my goal. I wanted them to come to my home and feel something that they had never felt before. I wanted them to feel unity, bonding, attachment, truth, connection. All of that wrapped into our family relationships. And I knew if I could give them a picture of that then even though their life in our home would only be short-lived. It would be a short stay. Maybe a few months. 

Maybe a year. Until they would be removed to a lower level of care. But that feeling, that picture would remain in their mind. And as they reach adulthood and start families of their own, they could decide "What do I want to feel like as a family?" Have I experienced something before that felt so good that I want that for my family too? I wanted them to do duplicate what they had felt in my home. So, yes. 

We all want that feeling. But do we know it's attainable? When the BBC in England contacted me to be on a BBC television program where they would bring troubled children into my home, both ages 17, it was called the World's Strictest Parents which I know sounds a little scary. If you want to see it, you can click that in the corner. Anyway, when they ask me to be on there, they said, "Oh, these children, they've got some serious issues. 

They dropped out of school..." And this and this and this and this. "They're the hardest ones we could find." And I knew it didn't matter who would they bring to our home. Because our home had a feeling, had a way that it could touch the hearts of other people. When we're talking about a loving, caring environment, isn't that what we're really talking about? Touching the heart of the people that are there? Some parents get frustrated with their children. I mean, that could happen to anybody, right? We're all human. Sometimes we allow ourselves to take things personally.

Which we definitely should not do. But in this process of taking things personally, people behave in a way to their children that they wish they didn't. Sometimes they cross the line into shaming even. Which is a dangerous thing for people. No amount of shaming is going to ever help a person have a change of heart. No amount of shaming or degrading or belittling or criticizing a person is going to inspire them to be more united, happier, and more loving at home, it won't.

In fact, I'm constantly amazed at how many people say "Don't shame, don't shame." And in the process of saying that, they start shaming a whole other group of people. It's just not necessary. Let's talk about the 3 things that we can do to create a family environment that can produce this loving and caring family. First, we need a picture or a vision of where we're going. Who are we becoming? Who ought we to be as a family? I call this a family vision.

This family vision is essentially creating an ideal picture for your future. Now, that doesn't mean you're going to achieve it the first day or the first month or maybe even the first year. But you have a good place to you've set your sites on. You know where you're going as a family. That's important. When you know where you're going as a family and you see your whole family going there, then you can value each other and the relationships that you have together more.

Once you have this picture of who your family is becoming that is essentially an understood instruction of where you're family is going. So, your family has now been instructed because they made a decision of who they're becoming 20 years in the future or 10 years in the future. I talk at length about how to create this type of family vision in my book Parenting: A House United. So, I'm going to great detail now but I will just say that it's important that you pick some sort of an event in the future that your whole family can be excited about. And then certain key aspects appeal to our sense that you're going to want to bring into that picture that you're creating in the future.

In fact, once we created a family vision, this picture of Christmas eve for our family and who we were becoming, we actually started telling that story as a bedtime story to our children when they were little. So that they would keep tasting the magic of who it was we were becoming. In this picture of this possibility of who the Peck family or your family is supposed to be, we create also feelings of what our relationships will be like with each other. This is such a powerful thing for a family to hold on to. The second thing that we need to implement in our environment to teach our family to be loving and caring with each other is we have to have the skills of communication that are going to help support this vision that we've created.

These skills heavily revolve around self-analysis. So, they help the children and the adults analyze themselves and recognize when they are being cared for or when they're not being caring. When they're following through on that instruction that that family vision has created for the entire group. So, step number 1 is we need to get the whole family on the same page. "Who are we? Where are we going?"

Step number 2 is how are we going to communicate on this journey so that we maintain our focus on who we're becoming. To do this, our family knows certain skills. In fact, I'm probably the most known around the entire globe for teaching what we call the 4 basic skills. The 4 basic skills are following instructions, accepting no answers, accepting consequences, and disagreeing appropriately.

These 4 basic skills each have a skill-set attached to them. For instance, to follow instructions, there are 5 steps to do that skill. So, a person has to look at the person, keep a calm face, voice, and body. Say okay or ask to disagree appropriately. Do the task immediately and then check back. If a person misses any one of those steps, meaning they don't want to look at you... "Yeah, mom. Yeah." Then you can't even move on. You've got to stop and do the correct thing. So that's the other part of these self-analysis skills. Parents need to know how to correct their children effectively so that the hearts of the family are turned toward each other in the process of correction.

I know that doesn't seem possible but it is. You can feel more bonded to your children when you're correcting them than you even did before. I teach the skills for how to do effective corrections and proper praises and pre-teaching. The whole point to everything that I teach and to these skills that I've been talking about is that people can obtain the freedom that comes from being understood and in their relationships and knowing that they have mastered themselves.

Everything that we teach revolves around the concept of self-government. Self-government is being able to determine the cause and effect of any given situation and possessing a knowledge of your own behaviors so that you can control them. Cause and effect. If a person does not learn skills, they can't learn to analyze where they've gone wrong and where they've gone right. It's much harder. Maybe I shouldn't say they can't. But it's much more difficult.

Because without the skills to hold on to, things are changing all the time. And sometimes what was wrong or bad just is determined by somebody's attitude at the time. Maybe some parent is in a bad mood and somethings bugging them so that seems wrong at the time. But is it really? A smart family plans ahead and determines what skills they need and how their family will learn cause and effect so that then each person can properly guide themselves through those communications. And everyone can be better understood.

Finally, to create an environment where your family can have more love and more caring, there has to be open communication. In fact, in our family, we have multiple meetings that we have together. There are 3 different meetings that we have each week. We have couples meetings, family meetings, and individual mentor meetings. There's another article where I talk about how to have a great family meeting. So, you can look for that too.

But right now, I want to touch on that individual meeting with the child. If a child is going to have their heart turned toward the family, they have to feel like that what they say matters. What they think matters. How they feel matters. Your child needs to know that you're listening. Each week, we have individual meetings with our children. These books that we have are where we record our mentor meetings. In these books, we talk about the schedule that the child's going to make for the week and we talk about the relationships with the family.

We help them set goals for their academic goals, their social goals, their personal goals, family goals, spiritual goals. These are meetings that have driven my children forward during the years. In fact, even though I now have children who have left my home, we still regularly have conversations and we discuss their goals, their plans, what they're doing. And they see no problem discussing their future, their hopes and dreams, and their struggles with their mother and with their father.

That doesn't mean we're controlling things when they're adults. It just means they know we're always there to talk it out with them if they want to. It creates openness. If you can talk about a problem and there's no emotion attached to it, only productive, proactive thinking and caring, then they're going to care more about what you do in the family too. They're going to care about your role as a parent and they're going to magnify their role as a child better which brings everybody more security.

There's so much I could share with you. In fact, I want to give you a gift. This gift is called The Calm Parenting Toolkit. And it will give you so many more tips and details on how to use some of these skills that I've been talking about. It will also help you improve your calmness as you communicate with your children.

When you're calm, you can connect more. And if there's one thing that every human can fall into as far as a trap goes, it's getting a little bit too emotional, losing our calmness, and then losing our influence with others. So, this calm parenting toolkit is going to help you maintain your influence, help you increase your ability to make good choices, and help your children also want to choose to follow your example of having a change of heart toward the family.

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