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How To Promote Children's Confidence And Independence

Teaching children how to master themselves and teaching parents those skills too. People want to know how to promote children's confidence and independence. That's what this video is all about. Before we talk about how to promote confidence and independence.

We need to talk about some misconceptions that some people have. Some people think that if you have hands-off parenting, meaning you are completely permissive. You let the children do whatever they want. 

But somehow they'll be totally independent and they'll be confident because they get to make all their own choices and of course they're just going to go around making these amazing choices, right? Well, what I've noticed is that's actually not right. 

It's even completely opposite from that. So, even though the goal of that permissive parenting is to produce independent young people who turn into independent adults, it's not happening. We're actually seeing more codependent adults than we've ever seen before. 

Ones that aren't even leaving their parent's houses a lot of the time because they don't want to take on the responsibility of stuff on their own because they've been left to their own devices. And what have they done? They've played games, they've texted on their phone, they've been spending their days on the online and media world. This does not help them get motivated to go out and do anything with themselves. 

In fact, it gives them no skills. And that's what they really need is skills. So, one of the other misconceptions is if you want your child to have good self-confidence and be totally motivated and go out in the world independently that you need to push them out the door and make it happen, that's not true either. 

So, if you can't let them do whatever they want and you shouldn't push them out the door because it's bad for your relationship and increases their stress and anxiety levels, then what should you do? The answer is skills training. So, let's talk about what types of skills they need for success. There are 4 skills that every person needs to be a self-governing adult. And that's what I'm going for in my family. 

For years, I raised troubled teens all between the ages of 12 and 18. I was a treatment foster parent. I've also raised four children of my own. And the last one is just about ready to launch into adulthood himself. So, we've almost got them all out of the nest. 

By the time my now 16-year-old was just a freshman in high school. He was taking college entrance exams and preparing to get jobs and move on with his future life. He was launching out. He was independent. 

He still is. In fact, right now he works for teaching self-government which is my business. He works also for a plumbing contracting company and he works for a local food establishment in our town. That boy is busy. Plus he carries on a full class load, a lot of the college content and he is leading a good social life. This is the sign that he is on the road to becoming a really happy successful adult. 

So, how did he learn to be confident and step out? Well, it took a lot of training. Especially these 4 basic skills that we taught all of our foster children and children. They are to follow instructions, to accept no answers and criticism, accept consequences, and disagree appropriately. 

If you want your children to be confident and independent, they can't take things personally. They've got to be emotionally strong. All 4 of those skills require keeping a calm face voice and body. My children know their calmness is up to them. Their happiness is up to them. It's their choice. 

Whether they are going to be happy and productive or not. If they want to accomplish their goals in life, they've got to set those goals and achieve them. Part of our home environment involves meetings. So, we have 3 different meetings in our family every week. 

One of those meetings is a personal mentor meeting with our children where my husband and I sit down with the child and we talk about their life, their goals in all the different areas of their life. Their social goals, their academic goals, their religious goals, and their goals with their family and relationships. 

Then the children take those goals and work on them throughout the week. Then they report back to us the next Sunday because that's when we have the meetings at our house. So, goal setting is really important. Make it a priority, put it on the schedule, pick a day where you always have those meetings. So that those goals and that follow-up can always happen. 

The 4 basic skills also teach a really good work ethic. 2 of the skills --following instructions and accepting consequences both teach the children how to work, how to get a job done, and be okay doing work. If a person is going to have good self-confidence, they need to know how to work. 

Now, in our family, we have family work time every day and each of the children has their tours that they also need to do. They're independent tours like cleaning their room and taking care of their laundry and stuff like that. But they also have chores that they help with around the house. 

But when I give them instructions, those are additional chores that maybe I'm instructing them to do. And if they don't do one of those instructions or don't accept no answer or disagree appropriately, we do what we call an effective correction. 

That's a 7-step process that I go through for the children where I correct them and help them get on the right track calmly and effectively. When they are corrected, they get the opportunity to use that other skill that I mentioned called accepting consequences. 

If they accept consequences, the consequence that we use most for a negative consequence in our family is an extra chore. The reason why is because work is the antidote for a sick character. Our world has things pretty easy especially here in the united states. 

We live in a very affluent society. Even some of the poorest neighborhoods have some real luxuries compared to some other places that I've done my parenting teaching. Like in Africa and Asia. So, I know that we are not doing probably as much work as generations did before us. Our children might have things a little bit too easy. 

I meet with parents all the time and they say, "Yes, I want my children to have a really good work ethic. I want them to feel confident." And I say, "Great. What chores do they have?" And they give me a blank stare. Then I say, "We're gonna work on that." And then I talk to them about also using extra chores when a person earns a negative consequence. 

They don't think it's going to work. They think their child might decide to hate work. But instead, the child decides, "Work is no big deal. I can do stuff really quick" because they have this consistent correcting and teaching that's happening all the time every day. And they get the opportunity to do little tasks, extra chores, periodically throughout the day all the time. So, it doesn't need to be such a big deal. 

They know they can get a job done. So, to raise self-confident, independent children, you've got to teach them skills. You got to help them plan for their success, help them have follow-through, and create a really good work ethic. I'd like to teach you more about raising confident children.

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