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How To Talk To Kids About Sex

Hi, I'm Nicholeen, and today, we're going to talk about something exciting and uncomfortable and necessary sex. Everyone needs to know how to talk to their kids about sex. We live in a sexual world, way more sexual than in generations past. 

Which is I think why parents are wondering "How do I talk to my kids about sex?" Well, that's what this article is all about. So, let's go. In this article, I'm going to share with you a horrifying story that happened to me that relates to teaching kids about sex. And then we're going to talk about what not to do because there are some don't do's. And then what you should do when talking to children about sex. 

As a person who has a previous foster parent, who has worked with many children with sexual issues. They either had sexual addictions, they've been sexually perpetrated on. They had been sexual perpetrators. They have had many negative associations with the opposite sex or with even the same sex because of sexual abuse. 

I can tell you I know quite a bit about how children process the topic of sex. Years ago, I was at an event and a woman came up to me and said, "Hey, Nicholeen, I've really trusted your opinion on something. 

My husband and I know that it's time we need to start talking to our kids about sex. And we're trying to figure out how to do it. And so, my husband brought this book home. And we're thinking of using this book to teach our kids about sex. Have you heard of this book? Is this a good book for us to use to teach our children about sex?" I hadn't heard of the book before. I looked at the book. 

I was sick. What I saw in that book was grooming, grooming children for sexual behaviors. It would get them aroused. You don't want to arouse your children when you're talking to them about sex. I looked at this book and they were pictures, cartoon pictures of people doing sexual acts. 

Cartoon pictures of naked bodies in suggestive positions. They are even books that are in school libraries, I've noticed that have the same kinds of disturbing pictures in them. Now, our children are going to find those pictures interesting? Are they going to pay attention? Oh, you bet. They're going to be processing what is going on. "Why are that mommy and that daddy on top of themselves under covers in that bed?" 

They are going to process that. That is not the way to talk about sex. I told the woman, "No. Don't use that book. Your children need to understand truths about sex. Not be aroused by the concept of sex. If you use this, you will be grooming them to try out behaviors on each other and maybe even think because of some of the wording in this book that certain sexual things are just preference and are actually okay." I'm going to tell you something that will shock you. I am the president of the worldwide organization for women as well as being the head of teachingselfgovernment.com. Teaching self-government is all about parenting. 

The worldwide organization for women is all about women, mothers, children, families. And we have consulted the status of the united nations. So, guess what is talked about a lot in the united nations? Sex. I was at the united nations when a woman stood up in an official meeting and said, "We need to get rid of the stigma of incest and pedophilia." I'm staying quiet there. I hope that shocks you. 

There is a reason that incest and pedophilia have a stigma attached to them. Because they take advantage of the innocence of children. But this woman feels like children and adults having sex with each other is just another sexual preference. There are groups of people in the world who think that is a positive direction to take the sexual discussion and to take children's lives. 

That's pedophilia. This was all started by a man named Alfred Kinsey from the University of Indiana who did tests on children where he allowed pedophiles to sexually abuse children that were brought to him in his own home and called it science data. Okay, I know I'm really grossing you out at this point. 

But I want you to know that there are organizations like even sometimes the World Health Organization and UNICEF that are promoting things like comprehensive sexuality education in schools that actually damages the children. 

It points toward Kinsey's research on children having seizures and him calling it orgasm and that it was a good thing for them. And crying and running away and saying they liked it. I've seen the tables myself. I've seen the studies myself. And I've heard people say that those sexual things should be normal. 

So, we've got to be so careful in how we teach our children some of these books and some of these classes that have been designed for our young people point children toward just consent. And consent has its place. But consent in all things. And saying, "Hey, maybe somebody likes you. So maybe they want to do sexual things to you." And that somehow that relates in this the same to like a person. 

We've got to make sure that our children fully understand the purpose and the beauty of intercourse and sex, what it's for, and how they can make sure they are in the know so they don't get groomed for sexual behaviors that we would not agree with. So, what not to do? Don't just go to any random book at the library and get it and show the content to your children. 

Don't trust this most delicate of all conversations that you will ever have with your child to somebody else. No school teacher knows your child like you do. And what they need and what they're ready for. They don't get that same intuition for their child that you do. 

You are the right one to have that conversation with them. So, that means that you don't have to put them in everything at the school that talks about sex. Also, don't use graphic content when you're teaching your children. I think we've made that point pretty clear. 

But any pictures are pretty graphic, okay? When they are a maturation class and they show maybe a drawing of female and male genitalia not really attached to the whole rest of the body, that might be okay. 

Depending on how it's presented. But make sure you are there so that you can maintain the authority and you can talk to your children about it. If your children are going to be having a sex class and you can't get them out of it, or you feel like for some reason they need to be there, talk to them about what they're going to learn first. You pave the way. 

You are the number 1, first exposure to the material so that then when they hear the material from the teacher, they can compare it to what they learn from you. Because guess what? Whoever teaches them first is right. That is how children process. So, be the first one. That doesn't mean we want to be jumping in when they're tini-tiny. But start helping them set boundaries. Understanding things about their body that are private and special and teach them modesty. 

Support their natural feelings of modesty that happen when they're like 6 and 7 and 8 years old. Help them maintain that so that they understand their certain private things. Because that is going to be the foundation for them setting other boundaries and giving themselves other no answers when puberty sets in. 

That privacy will be habit that they've had so that they don't get into risky sexual behaviors. Don't groom your children. And speaking of those risky sexual behaviors, we do need to mention them at certain points in their sexual education which can happen over the period of their life. It doesn't all have to be one talk. Some people say, "Oh, have you had The Talk? Well, it's not just the talk. It's like an ongoing conversation because our society has been sexualized. 

So we have to continually unfold new information talk about new things with them as we see that they are ready for those things. But do not go into graphic detail about risky sexual behaviors. That will only play with their minds. You will groom their heads to have failures in their abstinence that they might want to have. In their own empowerment with their own sexuality. 

So, what should you do then? We know what not to do. Well, number 1, we've already covered which is be the ultimate source. Be the first person to talk to your child about sex and start when they're young with certain small baby steps into the discussion about their body and how to keep themselves safe. Then also talk about biology. 

Biology is important. They need to understand the sperm, the egg, how babies are made. And that that's actually the point of sexual intercourse. They need to know that this is the biological process that hasn't end result and that is great and beautiful thing which brings me to another thing. You need to talk about the spiritual. 

So, for many people, sex is such an intimate personal hing that there's actually a spiritual element to it. In fact, I know many people believe that this is truly God's way that he creates souls that he brings them here. So, it's okay to bring that in.

Help them develop respect for sex by bringing in the respect with the spiritual element of sex. Also, another way to teach them respect is to teach them about timing of sex. Okay? When do people have sex? When should they have sex? You need to develop for you family that timing that you can tell them. 

Is it after they're married? Well then talk to them about that. Why is it after that time, why do you save yourself for that person that you will make that commitment of all commitments to? Why? Talk to them about relationships. 

What makes a good relationships and when you know you have the type of relationship that is a sexual relationship. It's not just friends. It's not just people that are attracted to each other and like each other. It's got to be more than that. What is that? You need to present that to your children. Now, you are going to have to also present some basic physics as well. 

So, when I was a child, my dad pulled me aside and ask me "What do you know about sex?" And I said, "Well, I don't know." And I kind of like knew more because I've heard on the playground. Other people beat him to the conversation. But then he said, "Well, do you have any questions?" Okay, that's another thing. Ask them if they have questions. 

That's important. They may feel it's embarrassing at first. You might want to feed them some questions and say something like, "Have you ever wondered how it's done? How do people have sex? People talk about it, what does that mean? What have you been told? Have any of your friends mentioned it before? It's okay to talk about this." 

You want to have a feeling where everything is safe. And everything is okay. So, then you got to bring in some basic physics. So, what my dad did instead of showing me some graphic pictures of cartoon characters having sex with each other, he just used his 2 hands. He said, "Okay. Well, boys have a penis, right? And girls have a part that's called the vagina and the penis goes in there. That's how sex happens. 

That's how babies are formed." And then he talked to me about all the biology about the cells, about the sperms, and about the eggs. And that was all I needed. I didn't need any thing else. You know, I kind of bet that's how his parents talked to him about sex when he was little too. 

So, you also need to create a safe comfortable environment so that when you're talking about this, it doesn't feel like, "Okay, we need to have this talk." Now, it should feel like, "You know what? This is totally natural. Totally normal to have this discussion. 

I can't wait to have this talk with you. In fact, this is going to be a really great thing." So, go somewhere where it feels comfortable and where it feels like a place that is safe and non-confrontational at all. Another tip is to give warnings. 

You need to warn them about what other people outside of your family might say about sex. And you need to warn them about what sex culture might be existing at the school. And what people there might be doing. Things like sexting, pornography. You need to warn them about probably at some point where they're older like anal sex, oral sex. Stuff like that. 

Things kids will talk about, you've got to know. And you need to be the first one to tell them, remember? But make sure you don't scare them. Just say, "You know what? Don't be afraid because you're going to make decisions for all of this stuff yourself. But you need to know what some of the kids around you might be have been exposed to you or they might talk about or what they might be doing." 

So, those warnings are really good. Tell them that this conversation is going to be ongoing. That means you are not done with everything yet. I have a daughter who's getting married this year. I have told her for many years "As you get closer to marriage, I'll tell you more about this, this, this, this.

I'll tell you more about the nitty-gritty stuff. And right before you get married, I will tell you literally everything that you have never asked me before. But that brings me to another thing. Tell them to ask you. Tell them to bring any questions to you. I've always told my children, "I'm not afraid of this subject. I'm not afraid of any subject. 

Nothing you could ask or even tell me you've done will ever shock me. And I will tell you anything. If you want to know, I will tell you anything. And by the time you need it when you're married one day, I will make sure I have told you everything that you will need if don't ever come and ask for certain things." 

Be that trustworthy source for your children. They need that. Talking to your children about sex is a really loving thing to do. It's something that prepares for something that will for sure happen in all of their futures. It prepares them to succeed.

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