Skip to content Skip to sidebar Skip to footer

How To Talk To Your Child About Bad Behavior

If there's one thing that we know is going to happen in every home or around the world that's raising children, it's bad behavior. So, if your child has had some bad behavior from time to time, you're certainly not alone. That's part of being a child. 

This article is dedicated to helping you know how to talk to your child about their bad behavior so that they can have a change of heart. Changing bad behavior requires having a change of heart. In 2009, the BBC proved that by bringing 2 troubled British teens to our home to stay for 8 days. They brought a boy and a girl, Hanna and James. They were both 17 and they were supposed to be incorporated into our family as if they had always been part of our family. 

Well, after all of the years of treatment foster care that I had done and all the people that I've brought into my family for so many years, I wasn't so worried about having Hanna and James come as maybe some people might be. And that's because I knew how to help them have a change of heart and how to have a change of behavior no matter what types of tricks they pulled or buttons they try to push or something like that. 

For 2 solid days, Hanna and James had tantrums as if they were a lot younger than they were. And they ran away 5 times. And finally, after that, everyone just saw them get calm. By the end of the program, Hanna and James were crying and asking if they could just stay with us forever. Oh, we loved them so much and we wished that they could. Who would've thought that reaction would've started with 2 days of solid tantrums because they didn't want to follow the rules in our home? Well, the change of heart that they had in our home started or occurred. rather, I guess because our home is dedicated to self-mastery.

We call it self-government. So, I teach all of my children how to govern themselves. We teach them the skills that they need, the types of communication they need so that they can be understood, they can identify problems and they can take steps to fix those problems. To learn self-government, an environment has to have the right kind of tone and the right kind of structure. In this article, I'm going to talk about some of the tone elements and some of the structural elements that are vital for helping a person have a change of heart and for being able to have a good productive conversation with your child about their bad behavior.

First, let's talk about how not to talk to your child about their bad behavior. I am sure you can think of a few things. But I think it's worthwhile to just bring it up at the beginning that before we're going to talk about how to do it correctly, let's remember what some of our hang-ups might be. Number 1, no lecturing. Don't lecture the children. They don't respond well to it. In fact, they don't listen to most of it. Choose your words carefully.

Know what you'll say so that you don't have to talk and talk and talk and talk. Until they give you some sort of emotional reaction that makes you feel like they finally got it. That is what we're waiting for when we lecture, you know? Lecturing is another type of emotional manipulation. Another thing that we shouldn't do is belittle people or make emotional comments. People make mistakes. That's how it goes. People sometimes have bad behavior. They're human. It's part of it. We don't take it personally.

Anytime a person makes an emotional response like, "Pfft, nice try." Or "What were you thinking?" Or something like that, something that would tear the person down or suggest that they weren't smart, those are all statements that come from a selfish place from a person who's taking somebody else's behavior too personally. Don't communicate that way. Part of emotional comments is also emotional questions. So, don't say, "Why would you do that? What were you thinking?" Number 1, they don't actually know what they were thinking. They just had an emotional response themselves. So, asking emotional questions is never going to be helpful. It's probably a given but I need to say talking to your child about their bad behavior should not include yelling.

What's the point? Yelling is just you emotionally vomiting on somebody on somebody else. And nobody should have to clean up somebody else's emotional vomit. Another really bad idea is threatening children. Don't make threats. Sometimes, parents think a child has to feel like everything is on the line or they won't make the right decision or the decision that they want them to make. That's also called a manipulation.

Don't threaten your children. You need to have a system set up, skill set up. They know what is ahead of time. And that way, they can make the correct choices. We're going to talk more about that in a minute. 1, 2, 3? No counting, okay? That's emotional manipulation, too. Not a good one. Obviously, no hitting. I know it's become popular in recent years for people to think they need to spank again. But I got to just tell you. As a parent who has brought in some of the toughest children that the state has to offer to give them treatment and who was not allowed to touch a hair on their heads without permission, spanking, and hitting are just not necessary.

I couldn't do it and I had to help my children have a change of heart without ever touching them. Just tell yourself you can't. "I can't do it. I can't touch them." And then it will not be one of your options anymore. It doesn't show self-control on your part. There are very few people that could institute spanking as a form of reprimand that would be by actual principle. Most people just do it because they get angry. They go, "1, 2, 3!" And then they snap. That's not in control and it certainly is not a good example. Finally, the last thing you don't want to do when you're talking to your children about their bad bad behavior is don't react. Be proactive.

Think about solving the problem instead of feeling bad about the problem. They already feel bad enough. We're just bringing it to their attention so just something needs to change. We don't need to bring more emotion into the problem. It doesn't help. So now, what are the elements for the tone and for the structure that we need to keep in mind when we are talking to our children about their bad behavior? Number 1, teach to their heart. Of course, you're going to be using words. You might even touch them here and there.

But teach to their heart. Not just to their logic and to their mind. Although both are important. One of the best ways to teach to the heart is to look into their eyes. This is a toning element when you're thinking about your heart connecting to the heart of your child and you're looking into their eyes and thinking about how much you care about them, that is you teaching to their heart. The second tone element that we're going to talk about is staying calm and being prepared.

Part of calmness comes from a feeling of being prepared to know what words you will say. Knowing what skill you do need to teach the child. This means you have to do some warning on your own. That's important. Every parent needs to continually practice skills that are going to hold up their role and are going to help them communicate more effectively with their children so that they don't have to worry about being emotional and falling into some of the pitfalls and the bad ways of talking to the child about the bad behavior. Calmness comes when you have a plan when you know what to do. So make a plan for your own calmness.

There's a story in m family history of my grandfather's grandmother. Apparently, she used to tend all of the grandchildren all at one time, maybe all the parents were out on dates or something. And things would get a little crazy. And then she would disappear. Well, one day. one of my grandfather's little cousins said, "Let's go see where grandma goes." And they tiptoed down the hall and look around the corner and there was grandma on her racking chair going, "Mercy, mercy, mercy." What a wise woman. 

She knew she needed to calm before she could handle any problem with the children. You need to have a calm plan. I'm going to help you more with that at the end of this article. So, let's talk about structure. What type of structural elements are required for teaching a person how to overcome their bad behavior? Well, when you talk to your children about their bad behavior, you are going to want to focus on having predictable words that you say.

When you have predictable communication, this decreases their anxiety and increases their focus and connection with you. When they feel more of a connection with you, they're actually better a recognizing a problem and seeing a solution for that problem. Part of your predictable words is offering a solution for the problem. This book Parenting A House United which is probably the book I'm the most known for teaches parents how to do effective corrections.

These types of corrections have steps that the parent follows so that they can stick to a script. Now, I know that seems really weird to parent your children according to a script. But I promise you, a person who has a plan and who's self-governed knows what they will say next. And if the children also know what you will say next, everyone feels like their correction is just a little bit safer. The second structural element that I want to talk to you about today is describing.

When we correct our children, in fact, multiple times during a corrective teaching interaction, there are moments where their parent describes what happened, what should've happened. What was going to do in the future? And even takes those descriptions into practice times for the children. When you're talking to your children about their bad behavior, don't they need to see clearly where it went wrong and what should've happened if they had done things the right way? The first time your child makes mistake, don't do a correction. Just pull them aside and show them "This is what happened. This is what would be a better way to handle it.

Let's practice doing it the right way." But they wouldn't earn any negative consequence so we just are a teaching moment. But then tell them, "Now, each time it happens again in the future, you will allow earning an extra tour and we will do full corrective teaching. When you do that, your child is prepared to talk to you about those negative behaviors.

They feel like you took them into consideration and did some training first. Also, when your child is being talked to about their bad behavior and when they get the opportunity to earn that negative consequence which in our family is oftentimes an extra choice, make sure that it is always the same negative consequence.

We use extra chores because of the antidote for a sick character. And because a person actually gets the opportunity to perform a task which means that I'm not just taking something away which then means they can just blame me for whatever happened. No. They have to do something. Serve in some way. I have a free gift for you because there are so many more things that I wish that I could teach you about this concept of talking to our children about their bad behavior. 

Post a Comment for "How To Talk To Your Child About Bad Behavior"