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What Is The Most Effective Parenting Style?

What Is The Most Effective Parenting Style?

There are 3 different types of parenting. Now, most people are kind of a mix between some of these parenting styles. There's the modern progressive kind of permissive parenting where people just let children kind of do whatever, they want to make their own rules, it's all about choices but the child actually doesn't necessarily have full knowledge of cause and effect based on their choices so they struggle quite a bit. In fact, there's oftentimes a lot of distance in the family bonds because the parents are too lenient, then there's also the bully fear-based type of parenting which is not very effective because it actually creates distance and walls in the relationship people start being dishonest, working the system and they see each other as bullies.

There's usually a lot of recoveries that have to occur for this type of parenting. In fact, some people have to recover after a modern progressive, more permissive style of parenting too. So, what type is the type we're looking for? It's a type of parenting called traditional, strict, or assertive parenting. In this type of parenting, a person prepares ahead of time for what type of parent they're going to be.

In this article, I'm going to go into more detail about traditional strict parenting and I'll give you some key things that you can do to be a more assertive parent in your family. So, I hope with those brief descriptions of the parenting styles, you've maybe pondered what type of style of parent am I? Now, I know once I started studying the parenting styles, I felt liberated.

So, certain ideas were coming in from one parenting philosophy camp such as things should always feel good or something like that and not that that's bad, I mean that sounds good so I was like well that's great but I interpreted that as well, I really shouldn't correct a lot of stuff? Well, then I noticed major problems if I didn't correct things and so then when I started taking in foster children, I realized I've got to nail this down.

I cannot be all over the place spanking 1 minute and then just letting them do whatever and choose whatever they want the next minute which was what I was doing with my 3-year-old and he was all over the place, poor child. You know that first child, I often call them the pancake child because it's like they're a little burned on the outside, a little pudding in the middle, not quite cooked right because you try all this stuff on them.

Finally, by the time you get to the other children, you've got things a little bit more worked out. Anyway, so my oldest child didn't have the best start to parenting because I didn't know what I was doing but when I took in these other children, I really started studying parenting and I realized that I had to know what I was doing, I had to have a concrete plan. Now, just wanting that was a tipping point for me to become now an assertive parent. If you want to have a plan, if you want to know what to say when something occurs, if you want to not lose your cool and not ever feel like you're giving up or giving in, then probably you have the heart of a traditional, strict or assertive parent.

Years ago, I was invited to be on a television program called "The World's Strictest Parents." It was a program done by the BBC over in England and they brought 2 troubled teens to stay in our house for 8 days. The whole premise of the program was that they would take children who had been raised by families who had what they called the "emptying out of the adult identity," meaning that they were more modern progressive, definitely permissive, they would either fight or give in, bully and permissive parenting all the time back and forth, not knowing exactly how to help this child but if they put  them in a home where a person knew what type of parent they were going to be and they had a plan, they had skills, they had things in place for their success then that child would change and they wanted everybody to see the change.

Well sure enough that change happened when they brought 2 troubled teens to stay in our home for 8 days they changed. The first 2 days were full of tantrums and frustration by them, we were always calm the whole time but by the last day, in fact even on days like 2 and 3, things changed but by the end, they were begging not to leave our house and we were all crying. We were so bonded together that they truly had a  life-changing experience and it was so beautiful and it was because we had decided ahead of time what type of family we wanted to be.

Now, that BBC show which you can see by clicking the link that's provided here for you is actually a show that will show you what it feels like in a home when the parents are loving and firm at the same time which is exactly what a traditional strict parent is.  When I decided to be on that program, I wasn't sure I liked the word "strict" to be honest. I thought "strict" meant honoree or mean and then this friend of mine said Nicholeen, you don't understand strict. You're the most strict parent I know.

She's like a strict parent who doesn't need to yell and I thought I guess I don't understand strict. Here I apparently am a strict parent but I have no idea what that means and so I looked up the word strict in Webster's 1828 dictionary and said that it was a person who governs themselves by a certain set of principles and I went I am strict, I totally am. I try to have my practice or my actions match my principles, that is the most effective style of parenting because then you are not being a hypocrite. You are not saying principles on one hand and doing something else to be manipulative on the other. None of us want to get stuck in that position in our parenting.

So, I decided to weed out all the manipulations, all the lies that I was believing, all the assumptions all the outbursts, and instead, I chose to have skills, to have tools for success. Before I get to some of the solutions that you're probably looking for, click that subscribe button. This site has tons of content that are going to help you and your family have better relationships and be more confident in your parenting.

So, everything that I teach has to do with self-government. Well, what is self-government? Self-government is a pre-planned kind of parenting, so the definition of self-government is being able to determine the cause and effect of any given situation and possessing a knowledge of your own behaviors so that you can control them. So, I want to teach that to my children. I want them to learn cause and effect, I want them to learn it's okay to examine myself, find a problem and fix it, that this is healthy and this is good but they are not going to learn this unless I have chosen that I'm going to learn from cause and effect, that I'm going to examine myself and choose to fix my problems too. So, the best type of parent is an honest parent who lives according to their principles and that is exactly what I've been trying to do for many, many years.

Now, I'm not perfect, right? We're just humans and to be completely self-governed all the time is quite a feat but I will say that I went from being a mom who spanked occasionally, who got frustrated and a little bit angry, and had a toddler who was throwing things and having major tantrums to all of a sudden being a mom who was not phased by anything. I had calmness. In fact, calmness is the hallmark of a person who is self-governed, not the type of calmness where you're just pulling yourself back but true self-government, self-regulation where you choose to be okay, to listen to bond, to stay composed, and to understand other people and what's going on around you. I picked that. In fact, I created a skill set for it.  

I would like to share some of my calmness training with you for free. So, I have something on my website called the Calm Parenting toolkit and because you've watched this video, I would like to give that toolkit to you for free. It is the perfect first course at learning self-government. In no way does it cover everything but you will start to learn how to master your calmness and how to teach calmness to your children as well. It will also go into some skills of self-government that are going to be very beneficial for your change of heart and for the change of heart of your children.

 

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